Old Sailors' Almanac


Week 33, 2018

Previous Week   August 13, 2018 - August 19, 2018  Next Week

Dakota uprising begins in Minnesota on August 17, 1862

Dakota uprising begins in Minnesota on August 17, 1862

Dakota uprising begins in Minnesota: Minnesota erupts in violence as desperate Dakota Indians attack white settlements along the Minnesota River. The Dakota were eventually overwhelmed by the U.S. military six weeks later.

The Dakota Indians were more commonly referred to as the Sioux, a derogatory name derived from part of a French word meaning “little snake”. They were composed of four bands, and lived on temporary reservations in southwestern Minnesota. For two decades, the Dakota were poorly treated by the Federal government, local traders, and settlers. They saw their hunting lands whittled down, and provisions promised by the government rarely arrived. Worse yet, a wave of white settlers surrounded them.

The summer of 1862 was particularly hard on the Dakota. Cutworms destroyed much of their corn crops, and many families faced starvation. Dakota leaders were frustrated by attempts to convince traders to extend credit to tribal members and alleviate the suffering. On August 17, four young Dakota warriors were returning from an unsuccessful hunt when they stopped to steal some eggs from a white settlement. The youths soon picked a quarrel with the hen’s owner, and the encounter turned tragic when the Dakotas killed five members of the family. Sensing that they would be attacked, Dakota leaders determined that war was at hand and seized the initiative. Led by Taoyateduta (also known as Little Crow), the Dakota attacked local agencies and the settlement of New Ulm. Over 500 white settlers lost their lives along with about 150 Dakota warriors.

President Abraham Lincoln dispatched General John Pope, fresh from his defeat at the Second Battle of Bull Run,Virginia, to organize the Military Department of the Northwest. Some Dakota fled to North Dakota, but more than 2,000 were rounded up and over 300 warriors were sentenced to death. President Lincoln commuted most of their sentences, but on December 26, 1862, 38 Dakota men were executed at Mankato, Minnesota. It was the largest mass execution in American history.

History Channel / Wikipedia / Encyclopedia Britannica / U.S. Dakota War.org / University of Missouri-Kansas City.edu / Dakota Victims 1862 Dakota uprising begins in Minnesota 1862 (YouTube search) video

U.S. Navy Aircraft Carrier USS Washington (U.S.Navy.mil)

The Old Salt’s Corner

Continued from previous week:

Briefing, Debriefing, and Reporting

Normal Event Brief Topics:

1. Introduction/level of classification/event number/date.

2. Weather conditions.

3. Current intelligence and/or threat of the day.

4. Launch/recovery times.

5. Launch/recovery states (case I, II or III).

6. Battlegroup emissions control (EMCON) posture.

7. Card of the day, which summarizes communications frequencies, etc.

8. Carrier position and intended movement (PIM).

9. Carrier mission/movement intentions.

10. Divert fields/blue water operations.

11. Hot areas and/or restricted airspace.

12. Flight information derived from the AIRPLAN.

a. Squadron numbers.

b. Number and type of aircraft.

c. Mission to be performed.

d. Control/Communications Buttons.

e. Sector Coverage.

f. Vectors/Range & Bearings.

1. Surface picture.

2. Items of interest.

3. Rules of Engagement (ROE).

4. Photo of the day.

5. Closing.

As can be seen, the Event brief is a comprehensive dissemination of information and preparation for it will take some time and effort. Fortunately, most CVICs have a watch staff that can assist the briefer to prepare. Most briefs prepared by the CVIC staff employ similar elements such as maps, charts, and photos. Chances are that a small library of briefing overhead "templates" will exist within CVIC (be sure to ask). Information gathered for previous briefs sometimes can be updated or overwritten as required for all the day’s following briefs.

Intelligence Estimate

In some cases, the Staff Intelligence Officer may be asked to prepare a written Intelligence Estimate (IE) to assist the commanding officer of the battlegroup or amphibious task force in the preparation of his overall estimate of a potential combat situation. The IE also disseminates intelligence information to embarked flag staffs and other concerned parties in the battlegroup. Although the IE is a formal, written document, it is often briefed to concerned individuals and is therefore included here for the reader’s interest.

The IE follows a formal construction of approximately five written paragraphs. The first paragraph describes the mission, focusing attention and comprehension to the purpose and required tasks involved. The second paragraph describes the enemy situation and outlines conditions in the area of operations (AOA). It also provides basic encyclopedic data such as geography of the AOA, transportation data, communications, political, social, and economic data. The third paragraph describes enemy capabilities, outlining courses of action available to the enemy, which, if followed, will affect the accomplishment of the friendly mission. No detailed analysis is provided in this paragraph. The fourth paragraph presents analysis of enemy capabilities, providing detailed examination of the each of the capabilities listed in paragraph three. Finally, the fifth paragraph lists conclusions drawn by the analyst, which the commanding officer uses to make operational decisions. Molule 7 - Briefing, Debriefing, and Reporting

“I’m Just Sayin’”

“I’m Just Sayin”

“Anything else you’re interested in

is not going to happen

if you can’t breathe the air

and drink the water.”

~ Carl Sagan

“Thought for the Day”

“Thought for the Day”

“A wise man can learn more

from a foolish question,

than a fool can learn

from a wise answer.”

~ Bruce Lee

“What I Have Learned”

“What I Have Learned”

Mistakes are a great educator

when one is honest enough to admit them

and willing to learn from them.”

~ Anonymous

Bizarre News (we couldn’t make up stuff this good – real news story)

Bizarre News (we couldn’t make up stuff this good – real news story)

Man with world's longest fingernails gets them cut after 66 years

Man with world's longest fingernails gets them cut after 66 years

Shridhar Chillal, from India, whose nails have a combined measurement of 909.6cm (358in), can now see them on display in New York.

The Guinness World Record holder for the longest fingernails ever on a single hand has had his claws cut after 66 years.

Shridhar Chillal's extraordinarily long nails have now gone on display at the Ripley's Believe It or Not! museum in New York.

The 82-year-old's talons have a combined measurement of 909.6cm (358.1ins). His thumbnail, the longest of the set, measures an incredible 197.8cm (77.8ins).

The record holder, from Pune, India, stopped trimming his fingernails in 1952 after he was told off by a teacher for messing around with a friend and accidentally breaking the teacher's nail.

The teacher said Mr Chillal would never understand what it took to take care of long fingernails and the student set out to prove his teacher wrong, going on to dedicate his life to taking care of his claws.

“"I don't know whether the teacher is dead now or not but I would definitely like to say that the thing for which you scolded me, I took it as a challenge and I have completed the challenge and now, I am here”, he said.

Mr Chillal said he did not take the decision to part ways with his nails lightly.

“When I decided to cut my nails, it was difficult for me to make this decision”, he said.

“But when I realised that after cutting my nails, my nails will be at Ripley's Believe It or Not! and they're going to maintain it very nicely and for a lifetime, then I felt like I was doing the right decision and that's why I decided to cut my nails.”

SKY (07/12/2018) video

What's the Difference Between Vanilla and French Vanilla Ice Cream?

Mr. Answer Man Please Tell Us: What's the Difference Between Vanilla and French Vanilla Ice Cream?

“What’s so French about French vanilla?” The name may sound a little fancier than just plain ol’ “vanilla”, but it has nothing to do with the origin of the vanilla itself. (Vanilla is a tropical plant that grows near the equator.)

The difference comes down to eggs, as The Kitchn explains. You may have already noticed that French vanilla ice cream tends to have a slightly yellow coloring, while plain vanilla ice cream is more white. That’s because the base of French vanilla ice cream has egg yolks added to it.

The eggs give French vanilla ice cream both a smoother consistency and that subtle yellow color. The taste is a little richer and a little more complex than a regular vanilla, which is made with just milk and cream and is sometimes called “Philadelphia-style vanilla” ice cream.

In an interview with NPR’s All Things Considered in 2010 - when Baskin-Robbins decided to eliminate French Vanilla from its ice cream lineup - ice cream industry consultant Bruce Tharp noted that French vanilla ice cream may date back to at least colonial times, when Thomas Jefferson and George Washington both used ice cream recipes that included egg yolks.

What's the Difference Between Vanilla and French Vanilla Ice Cream?

Jefferson likely acquired his taste for ice cream during the time he spent in France, and served it to his White House guests several times. His family’s ice cream recipe - which calls for six egg yolks per quart of cream—seems to have originated with his French butler.

But everyone already knew to trust the French with their dairy products...

Vanilla - Ice cream, Encyclopædia BritannicaEpicuriousKitchnQuoraWikipedia What's the Difference Between Vanilla and French Vanilla Ice Cream? (YouTube) video

NAVSPEAK aka U.S. Navy Slang - U.S. Navy

NAVSPEAK aka U.S. Navy Slang

XO: Executive Officer: The second-in-Command of a ship, aviation squadron or shore command, second in authority to the Commanding Officer.

XOI: Executive Officer's Inquiry: A step in the non-judicial punishment process in which the wayward sailor appears before the executive officer (XO). After hearing the details of the case, the XO may recommend dismissal or refer it to the Commanding Officer (CO) for “Mast”.

X-Ray Fitting:

(1) A hatch, scuttle or the like which in normal condition is closed both in-port and at-sea. (See material condition).

(2) (See “Fan room”) A room where contraband may be hidden or for sexual relations while at-sea.

(3) Historically, where a chief petty officer would take subordinates to “make” them comply (using several punches to the face).

Xox (verb): o enter engineering log data suspiciously similar to the previous hour's log data. Derived from “xerox”.


Yardbird: A civilian shipyard worker.

YARFO: “You Ain't Reactor? Fuck Off.” This slogan was adopted by Reactor Departments on CVNs in response to the Aviation Ordnance slogan “IYAOYAS”.

YGFBKM: “You've Got to Fucking Be Kidding Me!”

YGTBSM: “You've Got To Be Shitting Me!”


Zero: Officer. Usually applied to a young junior officer, such as an O-1 (ENS / 2ndLt), and O-2 (LTJG / 1stLt) or an O-3 (LT / Capt).


(1) A flame thrower attached to a small boat, or a boat so equipped.

(2) Derogatory) Nickname for the USS Forrestal (CV 59) after the fire on 29 July 1967 that killed 134 sailors and injured 161 on the aircraft carrier..


(1) An aviator; generally refers to a USAF pilot or navigator/combat systems officer.

(2) (Especially in the plural, “zoomies”) On a nuclear ship, a (nonstandard) unit of radiation, such as is present in a compartment containing or near nuclear weapons or a naval nuclear reactor. “I wouldn't go back there unless you want to get some zoomies!” Also used of radiation picked up on one's personal dosimeter (the radiation measuring devices worn by weapons- or nuclear-trained personnel). “How many zoomies did you get today?”

(3) Historically, where a chief petty officer would take subordinates to “make” them comply (using several punches to the face).

Zone inspection: A formal inspection of spaces conducted by a team headed by the XO.

ZUG: Negative. An obsolete / unofficial procedure signal. Retired RMs may often use ZUG in place of “no” or “negative”.

ZUT: CW (Morse radiotelegraphy): “Forever”. An obsolete / unofficial procedure signal. Retired RMs may have a ZUT certificate or even a ZUT tattoo.

Just for MARINES - The Few. The Proud.

Just for you MARINE

Zero: Pronounced zee-ROW in an exaggerated manner, as used by Drill Instructors at the end of a count-down implying that recruits are to immediately cease all activity and remain silently in place. Used by Marines to gain the immediate attention of all personnel in the area without calling attention on deck.

Used by Marines to gain the immediate attention of all personnel in the area without calling attention on deck.

Zero: Disparaging term used amongst enlisted personnel when referring to officers. Derived from the “o” in officer.

Zero-dark thirty: Very early hours before dawn. See also military time, O-dark thirty.

Zero-stupid thirty: An unnecessarily early time for which personnel are required to assemble for an activity. See also Zero-dark thirty, O-dark thirty.

Naval Aviation Squadron Nicknames

Naval Aviation Squadron Nicknames

VFA-147 - “Argonauts”
Naval Air Station Lemoore, California - Established February 1, 1967

Where Did That Saying Come From

Where Did That Saying Come From?

Where Did That Saying Come From? “A baker's dozen”

A baker's dozen:”  Meaning: Thirteen or, more rarely, fourteen.

History: It's widely believed that this phrase originated from the practice of medieval English bakers giving an extra loaf when selling a dozen in order to avoid being penalized for selling short weight. This is an attractive story and, unlike many that inhabit the folk memory, it appears to be substantially true. We can say a little more to flesh out that derivation.

Firstly, the practice appears to have originated several centuries before the phrase. England has a long history of regulation of trade; bakers were regulated by a trade guild called The Worshipful Company of Bakers, which dates back to at least the reign of Henry II (1154-89). The law that caused bakers to be so wary was the Assize of Bread and Ale. In 1266, Henry III revived an ancient statute that regulated the price of bread according to the price of wheat. Bakers or brewers who gave short measure could be fined, pilloried or flogged, as in 1477 when the Chronicle of London reported that a baker called John Mund[e]w was 'schryved [forced to admit his guilt] upon the pyllory' for selling bread that was underweight.

Secondly, it's not quite so neat an explanation that whenever bakers sold twelve loaves they then added another identical loaf to make thirteen. They would have had just as much concern when selling eleven loaves, but there's no baker's eleven. Remember that the Assize regulated weight not number. What the bakers were doing whenever they sold bread in any quantity was adding something extra to make sure the total weight wasn't short. The addition was called the 'in-bread' or 'vantage loaf'. When selling in quantity to middlemen or wholesalers they would add an extra loaf or two. When selling single loaves to individuals they would offer a small extra piece of bread. The Worshipful Company still exists and reports that this carried on within living memory and that a small 'in-bread' was often given with each loaf.

So, that's the practice, what about the phrase? That goes back to at least 1599, as in this odd quotation from John Cooke's Tu Quoque:

“Mine's a baker's dozen: Master Bubble, tell your money.”

Joe Gans and 'Battling' Oliver Nelson fought for the widely reported world lightweight championship on 3rd September 1906. In coverage of the fight, the New York newspaper The Post-Standard, 4th September 1906, reported that:

Before the fight Gans received a telegram from his mother:

“Joe, the eyes of the world are on you. Everybody says you ought to win. Peter Jackson will tell me the news and you A baker's dozen.”

The phrase is related to the practice described in John Goodwin's A Being Filled with the Spirit, referring back to a quotation from 1665:

“As that which we call the in-bread is given into the dozen, there is nothing properly paid or given for it, but only for the dozen.”

By 1864 Hotten's Slang Dictionary gives this explicit definition for 'baker's dozen':

“This consists of thirteen or fourteen; the surplus number, called the inbread, being thrown in for fear of incurring the penalty for short weight.”

Phrases.org UK

The Strange, Mysterious or Downright Weird

The Strange, Mysterious or Downright Weird

This Mustached Monkey Likely Inspired Dr. Seuss' Lorax

This Mustached Monkey Likely Inspired Dr. Seuss' Lorax

Dr. Seuss' famous Lorax — a mustached and mossy fellow who “speaks for the trees” — was likely inspired by the long-limbed patas monkeys the children's book writer saw while on a safari in Kenya, a new study finds.

This realization, as well as the idea that Seuss' fictional truffula trees were inspired by the trees the patas monkeys depend on, may change how scholars interpret “The Lorax” (Random House, 1971), according to the study, published online in the journal Nature Ecology & Evolution.

Rather than seeing the Lorax as an eco-watchdog bent on being “sharpish and bossy” with big polluters (a view some scholars and environmentalists take), it makes more sense to appreciate the furry creature as a natural member of the ecosystem — one who is dismayed that his home is being destroyed, said study lead researcher Nathaniel Dominy, a professor of anthropology at Dartmouth College in New Hampshire. [Photos: Adorable and Amazing Guenon Monkey Faces].

“The Lorax was a participating member of the ecosystem, Dominy told Live Science. “I think his self-righteous indignation is much more forgivable and understandable if you take this different perspective.”

However, not everyone is on board with this interpretation.

“The way the Lorax appears, following the chopping of the first tree, says to me that he's more of an eco-watchdog, since we don't see him playing in the idyllic landscape before the Once-ler [culprit] begins to destroy it”, said Matthew Teorey, a professor of English at Peninsula College in Port Angeles, Washington, who has studied “The Lorax” but was not involved with the new study. “The Lorax pops into existence just as an environmentalist would.”

This Mustached Monkey Likely Inspired Dr. Seuss' Lorax

Writing “The Lorax”

In a nutshell, “The Lorax” tells how a mysterious green creature known as the Once-ler begins harvesting beautiful truffula trees at the expense of the animals that depend on them. Despite the Lorax's protests, the Once-ler cuts down all the truffula trees, and the animals that lived there - the bar-ba-loots, the swomee-swans and the humming fish - all leave, saying goodbye to their former Eden.

But this creative story was a long time in the making. Theodor “Dr. Seuss” Geisel (1904-1991) wanted to write an environmental book for children, but he found little inspiration in the existing "dull" literature that was “full of statistics and preachy”, Geisel said, according to “Dr. Seuss & Mr. Geisel: A Biography” (Random House, 1995). So, his wife, Audrey Geisel, suggested that they travel to Kenya to lift him out of his funk.

The trip worked. After arriving at the exclusive Mount Kenya Safari Club in September 1970, Geisel had a breakthrough. He flipped over a laundry list and wrote 90 percent of “The Lorax” in one afternoon.

Monkey see, monkey do

All of this was old news to Pease, who wrote a biography about Geisel's life. But it was news to Dominy, who happened to strike up a conversation with Pease at a campus-wide dinner at Dartmouth.

Dominy was stunned to learn that Geisel had visited Kenya. Dominy often calls the patas monkey (Erythrocebus patas) the most Seuss-like primate; both are orange and have big, cream-colored mustaches. Even the voice of the Lorax (a "sawdusty sneeze") sounds like the 'whoo-wherr' calls of patas monkeys, he noted. Could one have inspired the other?

Art mirroring life

In “The Lorax”, after the Once-ler begins destroying the environment, the bar-ba-loots leave first, followed by the swomee-swans (who, with smog in their throats, can no longer sing) and then the humming fish. Although Geisel probably didn't know it, this is what scientists call a trophic cascade, “where, as species disappear from the system, the system is unstable and has to reassemble”, Dominy said. “And then, that propagates further species disappearing.”

Just as in “The Lorax," real-life patas monkeys and acacia trees are rapidly disappearing. In the past 15 years, patas monkey populations have fallen by half in Kenya, Dominy said. And climate change is taking a toll on the acacia trees; as the climate becomes more arid, large animals, including giraffes, rhinos and elephants, feast on this tree's leaves. (During wet conditions, these large herbivores tend to diversify their diets — elephants eat more grass and black rhinos eat different woody species. But during dry spells, all three converge on the “poor Acacia drepanolobium, which itself is already water stressed.” Dominy said.)

The more these animals eat the tree, the less it can withstand drought. “There's very few younger trees coming into the system, because adults just don't have the resources available to them to produce seeds and flowers”, Dominy said. On top of that, many people harvest the trees to produce charcoal, he noted.

This is why the Lorax's message still rings true: “UNLESS someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better. It's not.”

Live Science (07/13/2018) video

© CEASAR CHOPPY by cartoonist Marty Gavin - archives Ceasar Choppy's Navy! “© CEASAR CHOPPY” by Marty Gavin


“La Grange” - ZZ Top 1973

“La Grange” - ZZ Top
Album: Tres Hombres
Released 1973 video

This song is about a whorehouse. Many people in Texas knew about it, but when the song was released it drew so much attention to the illegal activities going on there that they had to cease operations.

“The Chicken Ranch”, or Miss Edna's Boarding House in La Grange, was probably the oldest establishment in Texas, catering the the oldest profession. It was closed down by a zealous TV reporter from Houston, who couldn't find enough vice and corruption to report in Houston. He challenged the governor on the issue of why it continued to operate in fairly plain sight. The governor had no choice but to order the sheriff to close it.

Miss Edna's girls had weekly visits from the local doctors, so they were “clean”. The girls spent their money in La Grange and when a new hospital was needed, Miss Edna gave the first and largest donation. The reporter remained on the air crusading against such hideous crimes such as slime in the ice machines of restaurants.

The place in this song is the subject of the 1982 movie The Best Little Whorehouse In Texas, staring Dolly Parton and Burt Reynolds, which was adapted from a 1978 Broadway play.

In a 1985 interview with Spin magazine, ZZ Top bass player Dusty Hill explained:

“Did you ever see the movie, The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas? That's what it's about. I went there when I was 13. A lot of boys in Texas, when it's time to be a guy, went there and had it done. Fathers took their sons there.

“You couldn't cuss in there. You couldn't drink. I had an air of respectability. Miss Edna wouldn't stand for no bulls--t. That's the woman that ran the place, and you know she didn't look like Dolly Parton, either. I'll tell you, she was a mean-looking woman. But oil field workers and senators would both be there. The place had been open for over 100 years, and then this a--hole decides he's going to do an exposé and close it. And he stirred up so much s--t that it had to close.”

“La Grange is a little bitty town, and little towns in Texas are real conservative. But they fought against it. They didn't want it closed, because it was like a landmark. It was on a little ranch outside of town, the Chicken Ranch. Anyway, we wrote this song and put it out, and it was out maybe three months before they closed it. It pissed me off. It was a whorehouse, but anything that lasts a hundred years, there's got to be a reason.”

Talking about the song in Rolling Stone, guitarist Billy Gibbons said:

“'La Grange' was one of the rites of passage for a young man. It was a cathouse, way back in the woods. The simplicity of that song was part of the magic - only two chords. And the break coming out of the solo - those notes are straight Robert Johnson. He did it as a shuffle. I just dissected the notes.”

ZZ Top official site / Billboard / All Music / Song Facts / Ultimate Classic Rock / ZZ Top

Image: “Tres Hombres (album)” by ZZ Top



● It happened first in 1893 in New Zealand, later in 1918 in Britain, 1920 in the United States, and only 1971 in Switzerland. What was it?

Women Given Right To Vote.

● Shown on a 1639 map of 'New Netherlands,' the region known in Dutch as Conyne Eylandt (rabbit island) has what modern name?

Coney Island.

● In March, 1993, Florida became the nation's first state to guarantee people the legal right to perform which intimate act in public?


● In competition with the United States postal service, name the two most successful private companies in the business of transporting packages worldwide are?



A Test for People Who Know Everything

From the Jeopardy Archives Category - “SCENE IT” ($200):

“1975: Chrissie picks a bad time to go skinny dipping near Amity Island.”

Answer for People Who Do Not Know Everything, or Want to Verify Their Answer YouTube

From the Jeopardy Archives Category - “SCENE IT” ($600):

“1959: Cary Grant gets his crop dusted.”

Answer for People Who Do Not Know Everything, or Want to Verify Their Answer YouTube

From the Jeopardy Archives Category - “SCENE IT” ($1,000):

“1964: President Muffley makes an emergency call to Premier Kissoff.”

Answer for People Who Do Not Know Everything, or Want to Verify Their Answer YouTube

Answer to Last Week's Test

(And finally, in a tribute to the trusted bartender's guide since the 1930s...)

From the Jeopardy Archives Category - “MR. BOSTON” ($600):

● Answer: A Manhattan. Mr. Boston

From the Jeopardy Archives Category - “MR. BOSTON” ($800):

“Mr. Boston informs us that when combined, whiskey, Kirschwasser, Cynar & amaro are 'grounds for' this unfortunate event.”

● Answer: Divorce. Mr. Boston

From the Jeopardy Archives Category - “MR. BOSTON” ($1,000):

“Gin, lemon juice & simple syrup are shaken & strained; add club soda to make the drink do this thing in its name.”

● Answer: Fizz. Mr. Boston

Joke of the Day

Joke of the Day

“Eli's Dirty Jokes - Hoshimota”

“Eli's Dirty Jokes - Hoshimota”

“Red Skelton's Recipe for a Perfect Marriage”

Joke of the Day

Red Skelton's Recipe for a Perfect Marriage

For those of you old enough to remember Red Skelton.

1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California, and mine is in Texas.

3. I take my wife everywhere....but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. 'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said 'There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!' So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was. She told me, 'In the lake.'

8. She got a mud pack, and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, 'Am I too late for the garbage?' The driver said, 'No, jump in!'

10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months I don't like to interrupt her.

13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked, 'What's on the TV?' I said, 'Dust!'